Weak Nothingness
by kikistrain
Summary: PostStalker fic. Lilly is having a little trouble adjusting to the aftermath of 4x24 Stalker.
1. The Weakness In Me

**This is my first Cold Case fic to be posted on so it isn't my first CC fic ever. This is post-Stalker so naturally there are spoilers for 4x24 Stalker but nothing about season5. This is purely speculation and my imagination. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own any Cold Case character. And I gave 'Tripod' a name - Belle because I felt Tripod didn't go with Olivia lol.**

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_"You wanna shoot me? You wanna shoot me? Shoot me now!"_

_"You're gonna die!"_

_"Then do it already! Shoot me! Do it now!"_

Sucking in the air around her, Lilly took a ragged breath as she shifted violently in her tormented sleep. In the dark of the night, the torturous goblins from that day screamed from the shadows of her dreams. They lurched towards her. Smothered her. She tried desperately against their harsh grasp. Her body reeled with spasms as she struggled against the invisible forces.

"You're gonna die!" These whispered words dripped with venom as they echoed menacingly through her head. They came from the depths of the darkness and tormented her. Everywhere she looked, Deep Darkness stood before her with its arms folded. She couldn't escape. Blurred faces stared at her. Their sinister eyes peered from the eternal blackness. The voice pitched and twitched as she tried frantically to escape.

She couldn't escape.

Overcome, Lilly opened her eyes only to be greeted by the prevalent darkness of her bedroom. She lay huddled in her sheets as Olivia and Belle lay peacefully curled up nearby blissfully unaware of their owner's torment. Quivering, Lilly looked towards the window. The light from the streetlights outside filtered through the blinds in brittle streaks of bland colour which delicately broke the darkness that smothered her senses.

Lilly pushed back the bed sheets but her limbs quivered uncontrollably and she gradually got to her feet. She paused on her feet as she gathered her erratic senses. Slowly, she moved towards the window and wrapped her arms around herself, attempting to provide herself with what little comfort she could muster. Her fingers traced over the goosebumps that poked her skin. Her limbs still quaked.

After taking a ragged breath, Lilly timidly pulled back the lace curtain and looked through the window at the desolate night street below. Cars lined the silent street while the stars gracefully dotted the sky. It was so simply out there. The cars sat idly outside sleepy homes while the stars hung in the night. Why couldn't it be that simple in her dreams? Why couldn't the stars look over her and protect her? Why couldn't the cars block out the demons like guards? Feeling her skin tremor, Lilly rubbed her cold hand up and down her arm as she continued to look out the window.

As her gaze lingered on the window, she became aware of her reflection. Looking into her own cold eyes, she flashed back to seeing her faint reflection on the glass in the observation room. In that glass, she saw Ed pointing that gun at her chest with a merciless adamant stare that coated his eyes. She remembered looking at him with the barrel of the gun trained on her. The looming darkness of the gun barrel winked at her mercilessly as the darkness of his eyes smiled as she told him to shoot her. The black finish of the gun and the darkness that tinged her sight as she fell down the wall screamed in her head.

Pulling herself away from the window, Lilly felt her way across the room and out into the hallway. There, she crossed the hall and went feverishly into the bathroom. Immediately, she turned on the light and squinted her eyes in defence against the austere brightness before turning on the tap. Shaking, she placed a cloth under the cold stream and held it to her face. Breathing in the cold air from the cloth, she revelled as the cool water soothed her fevered skin. Slowly, she dabbed the cloth over her face. Tiny droplets slid down her tender skin and dripped nonchalantly to the floor. She held the cloth desperately over her mouth and nose and inhaled the sweet scent that lingered on the material. Then she looked over the cloth and took in her image in the mirror.

Immediately, she darted her eyes away from her hollow reflection as she dabbed the damp cloth down her neck. But her eyes found their way back to the mirror and she caught sight of her exposed chest. Her gaze refused to leave.

Lilly set the cloth down timidly without breaking eye contact with the mirror.

She took her hand and nervously traced her fingertips along the neckline of her v-neck t-shirt. The sensitive skin of her finger moved along the material of her top, feeling the gentle softness. Looking in the mirror, her skin looked perfect. Porcelain. Creamy. Pale. A perfect complexion that was elegantly dotted with brown spots.

Keeping her eyes fixed on her reflection, Lilly hooked her fingertips under the velvety material of her t-shirt and pulled it to her right slowly. Little by little she began to see more of her white skin. Bit by bit, she exposed more of her polished body.

She knew what was about to come into the image but that anticipation didn't stop it from unsettling her.

Millimetre by millimetre, Lilly absorbed how her skin became crinkled and deformed. Short discoloured, disjoined lines etched themselves in every which direction.

Her scar was coming into view.

Her scar from being shot.

The blood that coursed through her veins began to pulse as anxiety flooded her senses.

She pulled the material of her t-shirt further back to expose the ever healing wound.

Frozen, Lilly stared at it. Lilly simply stood still. She was unsure of her emotions towards it. Should she be angry? Angry that she was shot. Should she be breaking down and crying? Crying that she had been shot. Should she be happy that she is alive? Alive and that she didn't die and that she saved the lives of about four people. Lilly didn't know what to do. All she did was continually stare at the ugly wound as the harsh lights of the bathroom highlighted it.

Her memories dragged her back to the moment when that bullet entered her body. She saw herself standing in the observation room with Ed pointing the gun at her. She remembered shaking at hearing the glass shattering at the bark from Scotty's gun. The bangs mixed her senses. She didn't register anything. She remembered falling back against the wall as Scotty fired his gun at Ed so that she was out of danger. It wasn't until her knees began to buckle beneath her that she realised the shear numbness that was flowing through her body. Her eyes simply stared ahead. She didn't register Will's voice calling her. She recalled Scotty holding her and gently lowering her to the floor as he cradled her. _"Get the paramedic's"_ he cried hysterically. Then, she saw the scene as if she was watching it from some else's point of view. She saw herself leaning awkwardly up against the wall as the paramedics flocked around her. Lilly saw the oxygen mask being placed over her head and fixed to her face. She saw how her blood easily stained her white shirt. Lilly looked up at the dull wall that she had just slid down and saw her smeared blood. Then her mind yanked her back to the blood stain that was prevalent on her blouse. Staring back at herself in the mirror, Lilly could feel the tingling sensation of a warm liquid trickling down her body

"You're gonna die!" These words rang out fiercely again.

Her chest began to constrict and she felt her scar pulse as Ed's deadly threat continued to torture her.

Lilly shut her eyes tightly and gripped the edge of the sink, bowed her head and breathed heavily. Even in her own private solace, the goblins from her dreams assaulted her eyes, forcing her to open her eyes.

Looking up slowly she met her reflection. As her sight caught the mirror she saw Ed's demented face staring at her determined. He raised his arm and pointed the same gun at her.

Whirling around, she was greeted by the tiles of her bathroom. Her eyes darted around the room anxiously as her heart throbbed. No matter where her eyes looked, all she saw was her bathroom. In her house. Away from PPD. Away from there.

Overwhelmed, Lilly released the breath that she had not realised she was holding. Shaking, Lilly leaned back against the sink. She bent herself forward and brought her hands to her face, cupping her mouth. Staring at the floor of the bathroom, she tried to control herself. She fought her emotions and tried to build back up her protective walls to prevent the slightest tear from being shed. She tried to compose herself.

Lilly took several shaken breaths through gritted teeth before straightening herself up and combing her fingers through her dishevelled long blonde hair. She walked straight out of the bathroom, away from the mirror and made her way downstairs.

Catching the blue glow of the clock on the microwave, she saw that it was half four in the morning. She shuffled around the kitchen aimlessly and shuffled into the living room where she lay herself down on the couch. Lilly curled one arm under the pillow and pulled the other up under her chin. Sinking herself into the couch, she let out a sigh.

"Mom," she whispered to herself as she remembered sitting on the other side of the couch and reading The Velveteen Rabbit to her as her mother lay in the exact spot that she occupied. She closed her eyes and thought back. Back to her mother. Lilly just stared ahead as she walked down the corridors of her memories of her and her mother. Some halls were overcast by darkness and she dared not to venture down but others were beckoning to her. To relive them.

Lilly knew that if Ellen was still alive that day, she would be the one person who could help through this ordeal. Lilly knew that she would resist her mother's coddling and her help but eventually, her mother would weave her way into Lilly. In her soul. Into the dark that Lilly was fighting against. The one person who could help her through this was gone.

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**What did you think? Crap? Horrible? Good? Mediocre? Or should I continue or stop? Reviews are more than welcome.**


	2. Let The Flames Begin

**Thank you all for your kind encouraging words. I'm sorry it took me this long to update but if you know me for writing my The O.C. fics, you know that I get severe writer's block. And this fandom is no exception.**

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Each foot placed itself in front of the other as they blankly carried her forward. Her feet softly thumped on the hard concrete below. The head that was shielded by a blonde halo didn't absorb the hectic chaos that circled her. Cars roared past her. People hustled and bustled as their voices, foot falls and shrieking cell phones added to the noise. The crowds of people rallied, paused and changed direction at the drop of a hat. Some travelled at a frustratingly slow pace. Lilly searched for a way past them but oncoming blank faces blocked her escape from the crowd. She suppressed a curse word under her breath as the aggravation built up. Despite everything, her feet continued to carry her forwards and her eyes remained fixed ahead.

Inside, her emotions were tossing and turning. Each one trying to be dominant. Was she scared to return to that place? That place where she was shot? Was she relieved? Hesitant? All Lilly knew was that inside her house with only two cats and her thoughts for company, life was a painfully abysmal existence. As much as she loved Olivia and Belle, pacing the floors, lying on the couch staring at the texture of the couch and walking around the block for a change of scenery was misery personified. As she lived in the silence, she had to remind herself that the revs of passing cars was nothing to be concerned with and the knocks on a door weren't gunshots.

Lilly felt like a speck of sand on a piece of paper.

Isolated.

She was falling alone.

Breathing in, Lilly reminded herself why she was returning to work.

She needed to.

She needed to be there.

She needed to make sure people were not forgotten.

She needed them to get justice.

Walking along the sidewalk, she saw the coffee stand ahead.

Then she saw him

Scotty was standing there. He was absent-mindedly spinning the spoon around in his coffee cup as he looked around him. She hitched her bag up onto her shoulder and walked on. She winced inside. Her tender scar was making its presence aware.

She knew it was stupid putting her bag on that shoulder. Yet inside, she knew that her colleagues would see that. Maybe they would think that it's not a bother. That she's fully healed and ready to be back at work. That she's not a fragile doll.

As she neared the stand she saw him notice her.

He smiled a greeting to which she replied lightly.

"Hey," he greeted.

"Hey," Lilly copied.

"How are you? Alright?"

"Yeh . . . I'm, I'm good," she replied looking beyond him, "can I get a tea please?"

"Sure," the vendor answered before busying himself with her order.

A silence came between them.

"Here you are," the man interrupted.

Lilly smiled her thanks and handed over the money.

"No triple Americano?"

"No, coffee – just – lost any taste," she lied smiling.

Scotty nodded.

"So, you – uh – glad to be back?" he asked attempting to stir up a conversation.

"Yeh, it'll be good. Working," she replied brokenly, "what case are we working on?"

"Oh uh, a 1993 case. Thirty-nine year old widow ends up dead the day after her husband's funeral. C – O – D they said was asphyxiation. Never got a print, no leads. Went cold pretty quick."

"What's the plan for today?"

"We were all gonna go to the office and take it from there. Get any info we can from the job. It was only opened last night."

Lilly nodded.

"It's great to have you back Lil."

"Thanks . . . I'm glad to be back and back working. I'm sure the cats were getting sick of seeing me around so much," she smiled softly.

A gentle silence came between them.

"Are you ok? You seem a little . . . ," Scotty commented unsure of his words.

Fiddling with the tag that fell out of her cup Lilly bowed her head, "I just didn't get a lot of sleep last night and I'm just a little tired."

"Ok . . . hey it's understandable," he replied seeing her fallen face, "I get a little cranky too if I haven't slept."

"Thanks Scotty."

They stood together, sipping their warm beverages. They let the warm liquid flow through them. As she looked at the passing traffic, Lilly prayed Scotty wouldn't ask her how she was again.

She didn't want to be asked again.

She didn't want the shooting to be brought up.

She didn't want looks of pity melting onto people's faces.

She had enough reminders in the mirror and Lilly didn't want it mirrored on their faces.

"Morning Scotty," Stillman greeted coming up to them not seeing Lilly.

"Morning Boss," Scotty replied.

"Boss," Lilly added.

"Oh Lil, sorry I didn't you see there. Guess I need to wear the glasses outside more," he joked softly.

"I got Lil up to speed on the Keyes case."

"Good, Kat and Vera are on their way to PPD and Jeffries will be there in a few minutes. I was thinking that we could go and get the case and get an initial look in."

"Sounds good," Lilly and Scotty replied together.

Stillman took the coffee that the vendor handed him and after paying for it, they all headed towards the police department.

The sun above shone lightly on their faces and glinted meticulously off the glass of the building.

In unison, they all walked up the concrete steps and into the building. Lilly wondered what this place looked like when they were held hostage upstairs. '_Was the SWAT team van sitting in front of the building or over there_' she thought.

After walking into the building, the cool air whisked past her face. It hadn't changed a bit. Nothing around her had changed at all. It was all the same. But she wasn't.

"Detective Rush, good to see you. How are you?" one of the guards called out to her.

"I'm good, thanks Steve," Lilly replied again.

Her response was like her own mantra. '_I'm good, I'm good, I'm good'_.

As she continued to make her way towards the elevator she became increasingly aware of the number of people around her. Other officers passed her and she could feel their eyes staring at her. As each person moved she felt like she instantly drew their eyes. She felt like her hidden wound was screaming '_look at me_'.

As she waited for the elevator, she kept her eyes focused on the silver doors.

Yet as everyone else went about their business Lilly could still feel their eyes on her.

Once the doors opened, she stepped in closely followed by Stillman and Scotty and several other people.

As they waited for their floor, Lilly felt as if the others were looking over their shoulders and leering at her. In her head, she heard severe voices hissing, '_I thought she was dead_', '_Oh she's back. Probably can't do her job properly now_', '_He should've killed her_'.

The voices built on each other, drawing energy from the other and torturing her with their cruel words. This is what will be. This is what her mind is telling.

Lilly knew that it was only her imagination. She repeated it to herself over and over but it was no use. The flames had begun.

The elevator stopped at their floor.

Lilly, Stillman and Scotty filed out of the lift.

Lilly released the breath she forgot she was holding.

Nobody seemed to notice.

Instinctively, her free hand rubbed her opposite arm and lightly squeezed her muscle before taking a sip from the tea. Passing a bin, she dumped the cup in it before walking over to her desk.

The bullpen.

She was back in the bullpen.

The last time she was here, she was being wheeled out feet first on a gurney with her crimson blood flowing from a gunshot wound or a GSW as she heard the paramedics rhyme off in the ambulance.

An abbreviation for something so serious.

Once she entered the bullpen, the other detectives looked up from their work and stared at her as she tried to nonchalantly make her way to her desk. Lilly simple kept her head down and her eyes fixed to the floor. Shaking inside, Lilly set her bag down on the floor and looked at her desk. It was covered in unopened envelopes and several cards were set out. She looked at it all.

"What's this?" Lilly asked Scotty holding up an envelope before opening it.

"Oh um the department got sent some _Get Well Soon_ cards which were addressed to you and we thought it would a nice surprise for when you came back. You know, to see how much we all care about you. We got some cards sent by regular people and some people who we've helped in the past . . . this one's postmark says it's from a Mrs Bistrong."

"Angus Bistrong's mom," Lilly added, "I remember she hugged me."

"It's amazing who remembers you. A lot of these are from families we've helped."

"And all this from being shot," Lilly muttered under her breath.

"Sorry?"

"Nothing, just clearing my throat."

"Hey guys," Nick voiced coming towards them with Kat closely behind.

"Hey," Lilly and Scotty replied.

"How are ya?" Nick asked Lilly.

"Good thanks," Lilly answered simply.

"It's good to have you back Lil," Kat added, "and I hope you don't take this as me telling you what you should do but you know there wasn't a rush in you returning to work. I know that when I got shot I took a while off. Got myself sorted out."

"I know and I appreciate that but I just want to get back to work. I just want to do my job," she said looking down and lifting up the envelopes and putting them away.

Her colleagues simply nodded their heads lightly and looked at her hiding the concern that was starting to build up inside them.

'_I don't need advice. I don't need to be questioned. I just want to get back and do my job. My job that admittedly got me shot in the first place but my job. I want to be here. Be busy. __Just stop thinking about it. Move on'_. Lilly muttered these words frantically in her head as she worked to clear her desk.

"Lil?" Scotty tried gently.

"Lil?" Stillman called from his office in unison with Scotty.

Lilly whirled her head around to face Stillman. She plastered a look of contentment on her face.

"Yeh Boss?"

"Can I have a word with you?"

"Sure," she answered confidently.

Hiding her insecurity, Lilly made her way over to the Lieutenant's office.

"Would you close the door?"

Without saying a word, Lilly reached behind her and pulled the glass door shut. She noticed that the glass pane had been replaced.

"_I hate liars,"_ she recalled Ed hissing with venom. Lilly remembered how she jumped when the gun had been fired. How she jumped at seeing her Boss buckle from being shot. How his shirt became stained with crimson and how his face paled at a sickening speed.

"I didn't get the chance to ask earlier but how are you?"

"Good."

He looked at her, unhappy with her simple response.

"How are you? Really?"

A part of her knew that he was seeing beyond her surface. She knew that he could read through people's emotions. He did the same with Scotty when Elisa died. She wondered if Stillman had used these exact same words when asking Scotty how he was feeling.

"I'm ok. I'm good," she repeated.

"Lil-"

"Look, Boss. You may not believe me but trust me, I am fine. I know what you're going to say and I've come to terms with what happened. I know that it's not something petty and that can be easily overcome but I can't do that completely at home. I need to be here," she argued delicately.

"But-"

"Boss, you were shot too. You're here."

"That's different Lilly, _you_ almost died. _You_ put yourself at risk. A risk you didn't need to put yourself in. I was looked at and discharged that night. You weren't. I need to make sure that you are one hundred percent. Hell, one hundred and ten percent for good measure. The wellbeing of my detectives is my responsibility and I wouldn't be a very good boss if I let you work when you are not ready after such an ordeal."

"And I appreciate that, I really do. But trust me. I'm ok. I've been cleared to come back to work."

"By a doctor. You may be physically ready to come back but you may _not_ be emotionally."

'_Great, he's telling me how I feel'_ Lilly thought to herself bitterly.

"What do you want me to say?" she finally asked looking at him.

"How you feel. How you _really_ feel."

'_This is going in circles'_ she voiced in her head, '_No matter what I tell him he's still going to think that I can't do my job. That I'm not "ready" to be back_.'

"I really feel fine. I'm ready to be back at work. I can't say want you want me to because I don't feel it," she said tenderly.

John looked at her. He couldn't tell if she was putting on a façade or not.

"Ok. Welcome back and I want you to go and get Scotty and get that case. I see Nicky and Millar are here. So get the box and read over the case. Try to get some leads."

Lilly nodded and left.

Stillman watched her as she left and went over to her gathered colleagues.

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**I've changed the case that is supposed to be for the premiere for those who have read the spoilers. I wrote this before I read that and I'm only posting it now. Sorry again.**


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